|Bam Bam Bigelow |
There were a few things I seriously cannot stand about the WWF at this time: Indians, Marty Jannetty and Crush. I still hate Crush, even after taking a few months off from viewing. This guy is terrible. I have two-and-a-half months worth of notes scribbled on a piece of paper from when I watched this stuff the other day and right in the middle in all caps (serious business) it reads "CRUSH IS TERRIBLE." I hate this man. I also hate Marty Jannetty for coming back to the WWF. He's always trying to rain on Shawn Michaels' parade and I am not having any of that. As for the Indians, I cannot stand to hear another word about how Tatanka is undefeated. So was Gene Snitsky, whoopdie-fucking-doo.
This month saw the in-ring debuts of The Smoking Gunns, 1-2-3 Kid and Adam Bomb. Adam Bomb was terrible, but he had weird eyes and was accompanied to the ring by Johnny Polo (Scott Levy - the future Raven), so he is tolerable. The Kid (Sean Waltman) was known as Cannonball Kid, Kamikaze Kid, The Kid, Thunderclap Newman Kid, etc. It's fucking ridiculous. Then he becomes the 1-2-3 Kid because he pinned Razor Ramon after an admittedly awesome moonsault. My favorite moment of his early time in the WWF, however, would come about five weeks later when he slipped off the top rope and landed head-first on the concrete. I laughed for days. The Smoking Gunns were just retardedly ridiculous. Who the fuck came up with this gimmick? I don't know if they are cousins or brothers (both have been said on air), but these two homos are out there rocking some nasty mullets and firing off cap guns like they're actual cowboys. Their promo videos look like two guys threw on some chaps and cowboy boots and filmed themselves giggling and playing grab-ass in the desert. Who the hell is responsible for this faggotry? I cannot wait to see Butterbean light up Bart Gunn. Unfortunately, Billy will be around forever, shaking his ass and giving fashion advice. Let's get to some awards.
Superstar of the Month: Bam Bam Bigelow. The man with the flame head tattoo was on fire during the month of May. He defeated Typhoon to qualify for the King of the Ring tournament early in the month (in what was a surprisingly good battle of big men) and had a great battle with Marty Jannetty for the intercontinental title. I always knew that Bam Bam was a great big man, but the things I remember most about him are Luna Vachon, Bastion Booger and that god-awful match with LT. It's nice to see him doing some quality work both in the ring and on the stick. Major props also to Mr. Perfect. If not for a throwaway match with Iron Mike Sharpe he may have had this spot.
Match of the Month: Mr. Perfect v. Doink the Clown. On the 5/24 episode of RAW, Mr. Perfect stepped into the squared circle to face Doink the Clown in a KotR qualifying match. I really wasn't expecting a lot from this match to be perfectly honest - Doink seems like more of a joke character than anything and Perfect was a face now so I saw him getting a fairly quick and easy win. I was way off with that prediction. The two fought back and forth with Doink definitely carrying his weight. I knew he had no chance of winning going into the match, but by the end I wouldn't have been surprised to see Doink victorious, especially with Doink #2 hanging out underneath the ring. This was a seriously great match from two awesome wrestlers.
Promo of the Month: Shawn Michaels. Shawn could always talk, and this month he gave us a great performance on the stick while putting Vinnie Mac down. There weren't a lot of stand-out promos this month, so VKM getting the lip-service from Michaels gets the cheap win.
Gayest Cowboys of the Month: The Smoking Gunns. Paragraph three says it all.
Mullet of the Month: Mike Chioda. This was a really hard call. While Crush looks like a moron and Waltman was rocking a truly nasty mullet, Mike Chioda was able to tame his mane and still call matches with the best of them. Color me impressed.
Million Dollar Moment of the Month: Shoeshine. Money, Inc. gave some fan the chance to earn $100 by shining Ted DiBiase's shoes in the middle of the ring. Not only was it awesome that some young idiot did this while DiBiase cackled maniacally, afterward IRS took the money and held $70 for taxes. I loved it.
Harvey Wippleman Accomplishments: Mr. Hughes. Good old Harvey landed the menacing free agent Mr. Hughes. With Harvey's help, I'm sure Mr. Hughes will go nowhere fast. Having said that, he did win a KotR qualifying match, so who am I to doubt Harvey's tutelage?
You've GOT To Be Fucking Kidding Me Moment: Marty Jannetty wins the Intercontinental Title. For some reason unkown to man, Marty Jannetty comes out of the audience during a kick-ass Shawn Michaels promo wearing some ridiculous outfit and challenges Shawn to a match for his Intercontinental Title. Michaels accepts because he isn't a pussy, and later in the evening we have a match. Marty comes to the ring in a leather jacket with cutoff sleeves and his old Rockers attire and somehow defeats Michaels. This is terrible booking - Marty Jannetty sucks. What the fuck?
Reflections: May was an insane month filled with some cool debuts, more Johnny Polo than we've seen up to this point, and some vintage mat classics. King of the Ring is looking great and if WWE can keep up this momentum it should be a fun summer. I'll be back with more soon.