July was one seriously fucked up month in WWF history, and I’m talking fucked up in a good way. The champion loses his mind, random face turns are everywhere, rappers invade, a third Doink appears, America kicks ass and the burger king makes fun of old people. While the actual in-ring action was nowhere near as good as June, the out-of-ring escapades more than make up for it this month.
Perhaps the greatest moment in wrestling history occurred on July 4, 1993. Arriving by helicopter to the deck of the USS Intrepid, Lex Luger, apparently no longer narcissistic and now super patriotic, body slammed the hell out of Yokozuna for America. While Lex Luger respects Japanese people, what with their “technology and business acumen,” he hates fat Samoans pretending to be Japanese people almost as much as he loves America. I remember thinking this whole thing was great when I was a kid, but upon a second viewing it is terrible. Shout out to drunk Aaron Neville or whoever the hell that was singing the national anthem. It was hilariously bad.
This whole incident sparked a number of crazy developments in the WWF. Yokozuna came unglued and started destroying people and becoming much more violent, something I really enjoyed. Luger made the jump from helicopter to boat to bus when he boarded the “Lex Express” and started campaigning for a title match all over the US while wearing stars-and-stripes exercise pants. Here’s an example of this crazy storyline and how much Lex loves America:
This brings me to another point – random face turns. What the hell is going on in the WWF? Razor Ramon suddenly starts defending the 1-2-3 Kid after he stole his ten thousand bucks and Lex Luger is suddenly a humble patriot. What the fuck happened? I don’t know how any of this happened and it baffled me the entire month. I suppose I could do a little more research, but fuck that – this is seriously bullshit.
There was only one real big debut this month – MOM (Men on a Mission). They were literally called MOM like ten times on the air, which simply is not cool. This group is notable for two things: having the crowd chant “Whoomp – there it is” and Mabel, a man who will go on to win a King of the Ring, wear pajamas, get brainwashed by Undertaker and hang out with a naked Mideon. For now he just wears really bright clothing, waves his hands in the air like he doesn’t have a care, and kicks asses.
Superstar of the Month: Yokozuna. Combined with his performance on the USS Intrepid, Yoko also had a nice showing while destroying Crush. The WWF put a lot of time into making Yokozuna look unstoppable and unleashed, and he stands out this month as even more fearful as we’ve been led to believe.
Match of the Month: Shawn Michaels (c) v. Marty Jannetty. The 7/19 RAW opened with an absolute barnburner for the Intercontinental Title. I was on the edge of my seat the whole match, especially when Marty got the premature three count (Michaels had foot on ropes). In the end, Michaels once again proved why Marty Jannetty will forever be known as the “Marty Jannetty” of The Rockers. Nice to see Diesel beat up Marty, too.
Promo of the Month: Jerry Lawler. Lawler was growing tired of the “burger king” shit so he decided to harass Bret Hart’s parents during a match between Hart and Bam Bam Bigelow. Lawler made Stu Hart look like a dumbass and Bret lost the match when he was counted out chasing Lawler. I’d say Lawler wins.
Jobber of the Month: Aaron Ferguson. While I wanted to put the Brooklyn Brawler in this spot, I have to go with Ferguson. In a match against The Headshrinkers, Ferguson got mutilated by a back body drop. I don’t think he moved the rest of the match, which leads to our next award….
Quote of the Month: “He’s going to spend a weekend at Bernie’s.” – Bobby Heenan on Aaron Ferguson’s brutal bump
Greatest American Ever: Lex Luger. This guy seriously loves America. Close second goes to Jim Duggan.
Reflections: While it may have been light on great matches, July was great in terms of storyline progression and building hype for the upcoming Summerslam in August. Though I hate random heel/face changes, Lex Luger’s was handled so ridiculously brilliant that I am willing to throw logic out the window and simply embrace the entire situation. USA! USA!